eminem

it's me again.

i am really fucked up this time. i'm thinking to kill myself. i am dreaming about it, planning about it. sad, romantic, dramatic suicide. i am really stupid.

until a month ago i had a boyfriend. he come to me first. i reject him 37425 times but i liked him finally. so we started a relationship. note: he lives in a different city. anyway, he stayed at my home for 2 weeks. most beautiful times of my life... you know i love living alone. i don't really like guest in my home. but i loved having him at home. when he left i felt alone. like wtf? i was already living alone for 5 years. what is that feeling? seems that i fall in love. he back to his city. we keep talking everyday, every hour. no lies, we rarely argued. there were some resentments between us. but i forgot all of them. i love him. we talked about them and i taught we fixed them. but then he showed up a big fight. he broke up with me. because of my stupid joke. i begged him to make up so he accept. this happened 3 days ago before my birthday. after this happen i started having panic attacs. everyday. i went to the psychiatrist. he gave me xanax. but it was not enough really. and it happened again; he broke up with me again and my depression started.

i had panic attacks 3 times a day, 1 month. i could not eat at all. i lost 5 kilos in 1 month. i went to another psychiatrist and he gave me other drugs. lustral and nervium. it worked a bit but then i got worse again. he (my ex-bf) gave me hope and then i realized it was pointless. i almost killed myself that night. i didn't even care about my cats. you know how i love them. but at that moment i didn't care. my friends calmed me down. i continue to lose weight and not eat. i just work, cry and sleep. there is nothing else i really do. there is nothing i want to do. everything lost its meaning. i no longer have dreams. i still want him to come back. i'm dreaming of this. then i cry over and over again. i've compiled a list of songs that are sad enough to kill. i listen to it every day. it's a 3.5 hour playlist. i stopped talking to my close friends. i hate my mother, i fight with her. i am very angry and sad. i'm fed up and tired. i don't want to get well. i want to die. but who will take care of my cats if i die? noone. i have to live for them. but living feels like torture. it's like i'm stuck. i can't breathe. i'm about to go crazy.

i can't find strength in your songs anymore. i don't want to find it. i don't use my meds properly either. i don't want to get better.

like you said:

that's rock bottom
when this life makes you mad enough to kill
that's rock bottom
when you want something bad enough to steal
that's rock bottom
when you feel you have had it up to here
'cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear